This is a short story I wrote a few years back now. It's one of the only finished ones, but its not that good. My writing has definitely gotten better but I wanted to add this one to the few I was going to post. I went back and changed some things but I didn't want to change too much and ruin what I had. Plus it was the only one I could actually find on the internet, the other ones aren't done yet & I have to get my boyfriend to retrieve them off my computer tomorrow! But yea, so it's the only one I could get easily to post quickly and I wanted to show I was actually going to. There will be a few more. It's kind of heavy but I hope you enjoy. =)
There was a lit cigarette in the blue ashtray and the smoke went up in swirls, next to it lay a bottle of Jack Daniels. There was a dim light and a letter crumpled in his hand and a pink envelope on the desk. He hadn't left his room in two day's, and he was re-reading the letter she sent him over and over again. She had written the lyrics to the song he had always sang to her, and written to her in letter's when they'd been apart. He sang it to her at her wedding and at a show he preformed. She hadn't know it was for her until the day of her wedding. His green eyes watered and a tear slid down his unshaven cheek. He took a swig from the bottle and followed it with a pull of his cigarette.
He reread the part of the Dashboard song to himself out loud.
"I'm living in your letters
Breathe deeply from this envelope
It smells like you
And I cant be without that scent
It's filling me with all you mean to me".
He loved her and he knew it. He remembered her wedding day. He had been sitting there, watching, uncomfortable from the heat. He was regretting every word he'd never said to her, everything he'd always meant to whisper when she was near him, the things he meant to write to her. She looked at him nervously and smiled while she was up there having her wedding ceremony given by Elvis. This was a mistake and he knew it. He knew she didn't mean to marry him. Suddenly his mind wandered, and he stood up and walked over to her. He leaned near her face and sang into her ear, "There is no need to fill my heart with useless space. These road's go on forever. There will always be a place for you in my heart." She had turned to him.
"Sean... what are you doing?" she had asked him, eyes pleading.
"I'm sorry Maria. But I have to. I cant let you continue on with this. I know I've fucked thing's up between us so many times. I repeatedly because I knew I loved you, because falling in love was childish, you said it so many times yourself. You know what, then I guess I'm childish, because Maria I love you. I don't know if I could promise you the same life Mr. Wonderful over here could, but I could try. Please... just let me try?"
Turn's out she had let him try. He began to cry hysterically. His cigarette was now only a cylinder of ash to the filter, and the bottle was half empty. He read the opening part of the letter again.
"Dean Sean,
I need some time to think. But I should warn you, I may never return."
She wouldn't come back. He knew it. She had what she wanted and he had sent her out. She was pregnant, and he remembered how she looked when she told him too. Her face was full of happiness and he had never seen her smile like that. He couldn't do it though, it was too surreal for him. He started acting weird, not showing up to doctor appointments, staying out late getting wasted, picking childish fights with her. He was pushing her away the way he had done when they were younger. She only tried to love him and he had managed to destroy it all over again. He got up and staggered over to his bed, and laid down on her side by the wall. She had always slept by the wall because she liked walking over him in the morning and kissing his forehead letting him know she was still there. She never tried to rush him into marriage or get him to support her, and she could have had all that, and he had fucked it up for her. He made her go with him, and then what did he do? He had pushed her out like she hadn't meant a thing to him, or at least that's how he had obviously made her feel. He buried his face, wet from tears, into her pillow. His eyelashes fluttered trying to fight back the urge to cry, trying to "take it like a man".
He got up and walked over to the closet, kneeling on the floor he opened a shoe box, and took out a photograph of her that was in it, and a .22 caliber gun. He sat on the bed looked at her photo, and brought the gun to his head.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
View on Positive Thoughts
The idea of positive thinking has increased over the past decade. More and more you'll hear about the idea of metaphysics & positive thinking. The idea, that what ever thoughts you put out in the world is what come back to you. So, if you believe that you will get a new job you'll get it, but if you believe you'll fail that math test, you also will. Also, its based on the idea that whatever energy you send out is what you'll get back, kind of like karma. So that means if you think happy thoughts you'll have a happy life, & vice versa. Its hard to determine really, if this is a valid point.
Personally, I can't figure out how I feel about positive thinking. Its a nice idea that if you think happy thoughts good things will happen to you but I don't think this is always true. Things like The Secret have become more & more popular over the last decade, & people like my mother have run to buy it & force fed it down the "less happy" peoples throats. All based on the idea, that her boss has a big house because he sends out positive thoughts about it, not because he's a dentist or has had a sucessful practice for 20years, because he thinks he deserves it. Right... To me that sounds like a lot of nothing to spend your money on to learn.
More and more life coaches & motivational speakers are trying to harvest the idea of positive thinking. A lot of these motivational speakers not only try to push positive thinking on to you, but also the idea that all sadness you feel is unnatural. Or that your sadness is just your ego talking & you should relinquish all wants you have to find happiness, or so says speakers like Depak Chopra. How could sadness, a natural emotion we should feel if not a serial killer, suddenly just as unnatural as being desensitized? This is just another belief being pushed due to the positive thinking movement. A movement that though it is finally getting some much needed attention & reserach isn't as founded as it would like to make you believe.
So over the past decade there has been a crazy increase in the number of people talking about the ideas of positive thinking. More and more research is popping up all over the place & people are running to it open arms. While I think there might be some substantial evidence for it, I don't think its properly researched & proven. Also if I think positively that maybe all the people who have been shoving it down my throat will just leave me alone, why can I not escape it everywhere I go?? The idea of positive thinking is to me just that, an idea & not a very good one either.
Personally, I can't figure out how I feel about positive thinking. Its a nice idea that if you think happy thoughts good things will happen to you but I don't think this is always true. Things like The Secret have become more & more popular over the last decade, & people like my mother have run to buy it & force fed it down the "less happy" peoples throats. All based on the idea, that her boss has a big house because he sends out positive thoughts about it, not because he's a dentist or has had a sucessful practice for 20years, because he thinks he deserves it. Right... To me that sounds like a lot of nothing to spend your money on to learn.
More and more life coaches & motivational speakers are trying to harvest the idea of positive thinking. A lot of these motivational speakers not only try to push positive thinking on to you, but also the idea that all sadness you feel is unnatural. Or that your sadness is just your ego talking & you should relinquish all wants you have to find happiness, or so says speakers like Depak Chopra. How could sadness, a natural emotion we should feel if not a serial killer, suddenly just as unnatural as being desensitized? This is just another belief being pushed due to the positive thinking movement. A movement that though it is finally getting some much needed attention & reserach isn't as founded as it would like to make you believe.
So over the past decade there has been a crazy increase in the number of people talking about the ideas of positive thinking. More and more research is popping up all over the place & people are running to it open arms. While I think there might be some substantial evidence for it, I don't think its properly researched & proven. Also if I think positively that maybe all the people who have been shoving it down my throat will just leave me alone, why can I not escape it everywhere I go?? The idea of positive thinking is to me just that, an idea & not a very good one either.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Thesis & Outside Sources --> Criticisms on Happiness
Thesis: With the number of people in the happiness movement rising, it only makes sense that the number of criticisms would rise also.
Or
With the numbers rising in the happiness movement, people are pushing others to be happy, causing many criticisms to the movement.
Works Cited
Heathcote¸ Elizabeth. “Does the Happiness Formula really add up?” The Independent. 20 June 2010. Web. 20 November 2010
Bloom, Amy. “The Rap on Happiness.” The New York Times. 29 January 2010.Web. 20 November 2010
Mackie, Greg. “Is the Pursuit of Happiness Misguided?” Circle of Atonement. Web. 20 November 2010
Begley, Sharon. “Happiness: Enough Already” Newsweek. 02 February 2008. Web. 20 November 2010
Or
With the numbers rising in the happiness movement, people are pushing others to be happy, causing many criticisms to the movement.
Works Cited
Heathcote¸ Elizabeth. “Does the Happiness Formula really add up?” The Independent. 20 June 2010. Web. 20 November 2010
Bloom, Amy. “The Rap on Happiness.” The New York Times. 29 January 2010.Web. 20 November 2010
Mackie, Greg. “Is the Pursuit of Happiness Misguided?” Circle of Atonement. Web. 20 November 2010
Begley, Sharon. “Happiness: Enough Already” Newsweek. 02 February 2008. Web. 20 November 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Gratitude Blog
This year hasn't been the best of years for me. A lot of things out of my control happened, but I'm sure there's a few things I can be grateful for. I'm sure also, once I start writing things down, I'll remember a lot more then a few. This year I've fixed my relationship and started school, so those are at least two things I can be grateful for.
The thing I'm honestly most grateful for this past year, despite our rocky relationship, has been my boyfriend Phil. We've had a lot of up's and down's (mostly down's!) the past two years, but we've grown a lot. In the past seven months though we grew for each other. We realized that we really do love one another and began to accept each other more freely. Though we are both struggling with things individually, we learned to be there for each other rather then blame one another. He's also, to put it simply, really stepped his game up. He's been more attentive, honest, open, and has almost completely gained my trust back (almost!). Were also now pooling our resources together and looking for a place to live, which is frightening but also exciting. I also may have found a place close to school and he wouldn't mind moving wherever I need to be.
Another thing I'm grateful for this year is that it's my first year of college, even though I finished high school in 2006. For the past about four years, I just floated around not sure what I wanted to do. Sure, during the time, I've had many jobs and tried many new things, but none of it was what I wanted to do. I was caught in a rut basically working dead end jobs, just trying to figure out a way to make ends meat. Now I'm back in school and finally perusing what I love. Even though adjusting back into school is difficult, its extremely rewarding.
So despite this year being a hard one I can still find some things to be grateful for. Even though it may seem like I'm just happy for my boyfriend, its not just him, its the way he takes care of me and also helps me be grateful for the other things going on in my life. Between school and Phil, maybe this year hasn't been such a bad one!
The thing I'm honestly most grateful for this past year, despite our rocky relationship, has been my boyfriend Phil. We've had a lot of up's and down's (mostly down's!) the past two years, but we've grown a lot. In the past seven months though we grew for each other. We realized that we really do love one another and began to accept each other more freely. Though we are both struggling with things individually, we learned to be there for each other rather then blame one another. He's also, to put it simply, really stepped his game up. He's been more attentive, honest, open, and has almost completely gained my trust back (almost!). Were also now pooling our resources together and looking for a place to live, which is frightening but also exciting. I also may have found a place close to school and he wouldn't mind moving wherever I need to be.
Another thing I'm grateful for this year is that it's my first year of college, even though I finished high school in 2006. For the past about four years, I just floated around not sure what I wanted to do. Sure, during the time, I've had many jobs and tried many new things, but none of it was what I wanted to do. I was caught in a rut basically working dead end jobs, just trying to figure out a way to make ends meat. Now I'm back in school and finally perusing what I love. Even though adjusting back into school is difficult, its extremely rewarding.
So despite this year being a hard one I can still find some things to be grateful for. Even though it may seem like I'm just happy for my boyfriend, its not just him, its the way he takes care of me and also helps me be grateful for the other things going on in my life. Between school and Phil, maybe this year hasn't been such a bad one!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
happiness & relationships paper
When it comes to happiness and your love life, you'll find that the beliefs you had about it as a child will drastically change as an adult. As a child you are conditioned to view love a certain way. Through media and our parents, love and happiness are viewed more like a fairytale then a way to live. Having spent years expecting love to be one way causes people to mishandle it and ruin perfectly functional relationships. If people allowed room for error, then perhaps they could be happier in their relationships.
As a child you are raised to believe there's a perfect person for everyone. You believe this because of what you have learned through the years. As a young child you hear fairytales and watch disney movies. How do the movies usually go, an evil with puts a princess under a spell that can only be broke by true loves kiss? (Snow white, sleeping beauty). Or even in some, the young girl gets captured and is forced to deal with a somewhat abusive male figure, because in the end she'll love him regardless (Beauty & the Beast) (Ben-Shahar p 116). This is how were conditioned to view love, either that one day some perfect fictional person is going to come along and make everything right or that to find true love, you have to suffer.
Due to being raised with these beliefs effects a persons current day relationships. Since you're raised to believe that your prince charming or that one special person is coming along forces one to expect people to live up to unrealistic standards. Also, something psychologist Dan Gilbert describes as the "impact bias", the error we make in determining how long something will affect us, plays a big part in relationships (qtd. in Gertner 8). Due to this we might leave someone who is perfect for us for someone who we just think will make us happier because of lust. A lot of the time too people will go to another person because that person makes them feel "validated", praised. (Ben-Shahar p 119). Despite this, it is more often shown that the biggest key to having a flourishing happy relationship is truely knowing someone and loving them regardless, its even more likely to keep the relationships interesting (Ben-Shahar p 120).
Other then the few people those childhood beliefs may work for, most people find their healthy happiest relationships because they learn to view love differently. When people are more releastic about how a relationship should work its easier to function in one. Also, when many people stop doing what Dan Gilbert describes as "miswanting", the act of mistaking what will give us pleasure (qtd. in Gertner 8). If you can stop pushing someone away because of some unreachable standard, you could actually get to know someone for who they are. People in the most functioning relationships have let go of the standard and jus been honest about love. Once you drop the old fashioned ideas and get to really know someone, you can fully appreciate someone for who they are and find happiness with them.
If you look at love the way you did as a child, most of the time you're only setting yourself up for dissapointment. Despite what the media leads you to believe love isn't all about unreleastic expectations and happy fairytale ending. Its about love, compromise, and accepting someone for what they really are. If people can let go of their predetermined beliefs on love, then it will be easier for people to find happiness in their relationships.
As a child you are raised to believe there's a perfect person for everyone. You believe this because of what you have learned through the years. As a young child you hear fairytales and watch disney movies. How do the movies usually go, an evil with puts a princess under a spell that can only be broke by true loves kiss? (Snow white, sleeping beauty). Or even in some, the young girl gets captured and is forced to deal with a somewhat abusive male figure, because in the end she'll love him regardless (Beauty & the Beast) (Ben-Shahar p 116). This is how were conditioned to view love, either that one day some perfect fictional person is going to come along and make everything right or that to find true love, you have to suffer.
Due to being raised with these beliefs effects a persons current day relationships. Since you're raised to believe that your prince charming or that one special person is coming along forces one to expect people to live up to unrealistic standards. Also, something psychologist Dan Gilbert describes as the "impact bias", the error we make in determining how long something will affect us, plays a big part in relationships (qtd. in Gertner 8). Due to this we might leave someone who is perfect for us for someone who we just think will make us happier because of lust. A lot of the time too people will go to another person because that person makes them feel "validated", praised. (Ben-Shahar p 119). Despite this, it is more often shown that the biggest key to having a flourishing happy relationship is truely knowing someone and loving them regardless, its even more likely to keep the relationships interesting (Ben-Shahar p 120).
Other then the few people those childhood beliefs may work for, most people find their healthy happiest relationships because they learn to view love differently. When people are more releastic about how a relationship should work its easier to function in one. Also, when many people stop doing what Dan Gilbert describes as "miswanting", the act of mistaking what will give us pleasure (qtd. in Gertner 8). If you can stop pushing someone away because of some unreachable standard, you could actually get to know someone for who they are. People in the most functioning relationships have let go of the standard and jus been honest about love. Once you drop the old fashioned ideas and get to really know someone, you can fully appreciate someone for who they are and find happiness with them.
If you look at love the way you did as a child, most of the time you're only setting yourself up for dissapointment. Despite what the media leads you to believe love isn't all about unreleastic expectations and happy fairytale ending. Its about love, compromise, and accepting someone for what they really are. If people can let go of their predetermined beliefs on love, then it will be easier for people to find happiness in their relationships.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Happiness & Romantic Relationships - > Blog 5
Maintaining happiness in a romantic relationship is difficult. When you start a relationship, everything is perfect (at least it should be!). As things continue though, you'll find that it's harder to keep the initial love alive. Between all the hardships you'll face together and having to accept someone else for everything they are, sometimes its hard to remember that you love the person at all. When faced with this point of your relationship you can either complain about it, fix it, or simply accept it.
Through my own long-term relationship, I find it true that its hard to maintain happiness in romantic relationships. Of course when my relationship first started, things couldn't have been better but soon enough things changed. Together we had been through so much, we just were exhausted. We had also done so much to hurt each other, it was hard to remember how things were in the beginning. It was also difficult to accept someone for all their faults, and enjoy the parts of them that weren't necessarily faults, but merely didn't compliment me. Instead of going one way with how to handle it, I went though all three like stages.
At first I just complained, about everything! Complaining though never fixed anything, it only ever caused way more of a strain on our relationship. Then once the complaining had officially made things worse, I tried fixing whatever was causing all our problems. Trying to fix everything just proved to be harder. I wasn't sure what I was trying to fix, I just knew I wasn't happy. As I was working tirelessly to fix things though, I realized there really wasn't anything that needed fixing. Me trying to fix him all the time, made me realize what I was doing, and actually love him more. Due to that, I began to enjoy my relationship again and finally decided that I would just accept my relationship for what it was. As soon as I did that, and let go of whatever I had thought a relationship should be, I became happier.
Maintaining happiness in romantic relationships is a hard endeavor. Its hard to find someone who you get along with and who accepts you. Singer Sara Bareilles says, "When you start to make room for the parts that aren't you it gets harder to bloom in a garden of love." This is true about relationships, which are hard on their own without adding deep meaning to them. When you find its hard you can either complain, try to fix it, or accept it. I'm almost positive though, that depending on the circumstance, if you try to just accept that which you cannot change, you can find plenty happiness in your relationships.
Through my own long-term relationship, I find it true that its hard to maintain happiness in romantic relationships. Of course when my relationship first started, things couldn't have been better but soon enough things changed. Together we had been through so much, we just were exhausted. We had also done so much to hurt each other, it was hard to remember how things were in the beginning. It was also difficult to accept someone for all their faults, and enjoy the parts of them that weren't necessarily faults, but merely didn't compliment me. Instead of going one way with how to handle it, I went though all three like stages.
At first I just complained, about everything! Complaining though never fixed anything, it only ever caused way more of a strain on our relationship. Then once the complaining had officially made things worse, I tried fixing whatever was causing all our problems. Trying to fix everything just proved to be harder. I wasn't sure what I was trying to fix, I just knew I wasn't happy. As I was working tirelessly to fix things though, I realized there really wasn't anything that needed fixing. Me trying to fix him all the time, made me realize what I was doing, and actually love him more. Due to that, I began to enjoy my relationship again and finally decided that I would just accept my relationship for what it was. As soon as I did that, and let go of whatever I had thought a relationship should be, I became happier.
Maintaining happiness in romantic relationships is a hard endeavor. Its hard to find someone who you get along with and who accepts you. Singer Sara Bareilles says, "When you start to make room for the parts that aren't you it gets harder to bloom in a garden of love." This is true about relationships, which are hard on their own without adding deep meaning to them. When you find its hard you can either complain, try to fix it, or accept it. I'm almost positive though, that depending on the circumstance, if you try to just accept that which you cannot change, you can find plenty happiness in your relationships.
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